Love

If I have learned anything, it is that

Love is not what they say it is.

It is not what I have been told or shown and I have been lied to.

Whether it an outright deception or a case of omission, I cannot tell.

For the love that I have known has, in brief and rare instances, vaguely resembled that in movies, songs and fairytales,

And yet there is so much never seen, sung or written of

That no one ever warned me about.

I've Been Boring Lately

I realized about a week ago that I have been incredibly boring lately, and in the worst possible way.

I've been wearing boring, lifeless, unexceptional, commonplace and all together unworthy outfits.

This is something of a tragedy for someone who thinks of getting dressed in the morning as an act of self expression, creativity and identity.

It's partially because I'm busy.

It's partially because I'm self conscious. (Sometimes you get tired of being noticed.)

It's partially because it is just too cold to be cute.

But it's really not hard to throw on a pair of earrings.

Chic is in the little things.

So enough boring.

It's time to be fabulous again.

Inspiration I

Picasso's Nude Descending a Staircase. 

How do you seperate her from the staircase? Why do I assume that she is a she? Would we assume this was a nude if we were not told? Do we see a human being? If not, what do we see?

I see a wooden woman, a buck naked wooden woman. I see her gliding descent in fast forward and rewind. I see her as apart from the staircase, the blur before clarity. The most focused part of the painting is the top of the stairs and she is walking away from it.

Things I Learned My First Year of College

Here we are, the Saturday before finals week and I thought I'd take the time I should be studying to share with you some of the awesome things I've learned this year. While these are really only a few of the insights the experience has afforded me, as this adventure draws to a close, I thought I'd share with you a list of the  top ten lessons I learn in my first year of college.

1. Anything can and will mold.
Except for like Twinkies. Really. Coffee molds! Who knew, right?

2. All you need are socks.
And until you need socks or other unmentionables, you won't do laundry. Not for your lucky jeans. Not for your sheets. Not even for the only shirt that doesn't make you look fat. Until you need socks or undies, you will make do.

3. Make work fun.
Working in college kind of sucks, but only if you let it. I work the worst job imaginable - Campus Dining. But about 99% of the time I love my job because I make it fun. I talk to my co-workers and our customers and I will be the one laughing it off when something little goes wrong, working the fastest to get through the orders of the entire baseball team with a smile or following the stupid rules about cleaning/cooking/breathing cheerfully. I will be the one making the jokes, poking fun and having a great time. Because if I have to be here four days a week, it had better be fun.

4. What the hell is sociology?
Sociology, friends is the study of development, structure and functioning of human society and its institutions and it is awesome. I never knew what it was and probably would have gone my whole life without really knowing so if my first year experience course had not been with a sociology professor whose influence had a profound affect on me. Now I'm considering a minor in sociology and have a whole new perspective with which to view the world around me.
5. Boys will be boys.
You thought they'd be different then they were in high school, but no. They're just the same.

6. Studying is best done in solitude.
Group study is a great idea! We can all catch up with homework and each other at the same time! HA! Not.

7. Stress less.
Money, commitments, due dates, uncertainty, life... it's all so terrifying. Sometimes it all catches up with me and I have a mini panic attack. But then Bob Marley comes to the rescue and I play Three Little Birds and I believe everything he sings to me. Every little thing is going to be alright and it's nothing a few deep breaths and a good night's sleep can't fix.

8. Balance is key.
Balance your workload, balance your diet, balance you budget, balance your backpack, balance your friends, balance your life. Moderation is the golden rule.

9. Do what you want to when you want to.
If you wanna go, even if you have to go alone, then you should go. If you want to stay even through everyone else is going, then by all means stay. Be your own person for goodness sake. If you can't count on yourself to look after you, who will?

10. Communicate, Articulate, Elaborate.
In class, in relationships, in writing, in thought, in word - say what's in your head and heart, say it well and be prepared to expound on your ideas.

Balloons of Expectation

Please stop wanting, wishing and hoping for things that you know cannot and will not come true. Hope is such a fragile thing, yet it has the endurance to keep you holding your breath for days and days. I do not want the inevitable disappointment that comes with breathing in. I never start it. They always entice me with things too real to be resisted, and then back away. I take the small reality and turn it  into a colossal dream that no man could ever hope to support on his shoulders, no matter how broad. But I hold on to it, by the thin strings that I attach to all of these gigantic balloons of possibility. I am left with a hand full of strings and a sky clouded over with voluminous dreams and expectations that shroud my ability to enjoy the reality. Nothing can live up to my hopes. Nothing can measure up to my reality. Yes, have standards. Yes, have ideals. But don’t think you can have your cake and eat it too.

Pawned Off

It’s like a giant’s game of chess

Where pawns go out to play

And rooks meet knights of many types

On squares of black and white

May Be Meant to Be

Socks and shoes

Me and you

I puzzle how many pairs of things that

Supposedly go together

Were forced together and simply learned to coexist?

Growing Down

I miss being simple

Without pretense or presumption

Despair, or assumption.

When I was disappointed because dreams were too big,

Not because the smallest thing just wouldn’t work.

My schemas are changing.

As expectation and reality collide repeatedly,

I become the jaded observer.

Confused (As Usual)

I'm really not sure what to think. I'm so tired of clinging to some carefully chosen beliefs only to be disappointed by them in the end. And yet we all must believe something, even if that belief is that there is nothing to be believed. Maybe I just don't need to know. Yet can you explain that feeling of finally finding a small piece of what your heart has been searching for with any other explanation than that there is truth? There are so many complexities to believing.

Adele

Okay, so I'm gonna rave. Because every so often I feel some things need to be raved about. I am somewhat obsessive in my interests. Okay, a lot obsessive. I can't even imagine what people like me did before the Internet because I love to feed my obsessions with the bread crumb trail that is the Internet. And along this lovely bread crumb trail, I found some interesting things about a particular person about whom I feel the need to rave. This person is Adele. She's like Rihanna. I don't know (or even really care) what her last name is.

The first reason Adele is rave worthy is because is she is a talent. She is not "talented", she is a talent. There is a difference. I guess I feel talented people are like me. They "can" sing. People who are talents are like Adele where it seems like God made her to be what she is. She can sing, she can write song lyrics and music and she can preform. The talents are the combination that is too much to be coincidence. The talented just got one or some other to console them in their otherwise ordinary lives.

I love her voice. I love the power and control she has. She can actually sing, which is not a prerequisite for musicians in Hollywood, or so it would seem. I feel it is generally agreed that there is no one else like Adele. There just isn't. Deal with it. 

She waves her hands in the air while she sings. People who move while they play the piano or sing have a special place in my heart. Like they feel the music and they just can't stand still because they love it and they need it and when you're around them you can't help but feel it too.

Another thing- she's heavier. She doesn't look like a model. She's actually kind of fat. And I think she's drop dead gorgeous. She has a double chin and I think it's beautiful. I guess I kind of see her as one of those people who is lit up from the inside. Like her body knows that it carries an extraordinary soul inside and she shines with the confidence that comes from knowing who the heck you are.

I love Rolling in the Deep. It's been massively overplayed resulting in mass hatred towards the song. (Why do radio station murder songs like that any way? It's just appalling.) She describes it as her being like "I'm going to be fine without you." There's this fire in her heart and she certainly not her ballad about sitting on the couch crying with a tub of Ben and Jerry's in hand. Heck to the no. And yet it also has a healthy dose of appreciation for all the hopes she had... they had so much potential, they could have had it all and been rolling in the deep, for heavens sake. I guess it's a healing song to me. She's not over him, but she's getting there. It's tinged with pain and regret, but it's also powerful and hopeful in a way.

I also love Someone Like You. This is her "I am so not over you and I don't think I ever will be." song. I mean, the song is about her still not being over him after he has completely moved on. Like, wedding rings and offspring moved on. I don't know how much farther you can move on than that. I think that's universally the most tragic thing that can happen. Still loving someone when they no longer love you. It makes you doubt all the things you thought were true... doubt that you were ever loved. If he did love her, wouldn't it have worked out? How do you have that much love in a relationship and not have it work out? And then it gets worse. (Seriously. How much worse can it GET?) She asks him not to forget her. This is the part where I just wanna bawl my eyes out. "Hey, I know you've got this lovely wife and kids and everything and pretty much haven't thought of me in years until I showed up, but don't forget me... okay?" It's the heinous indignity of love.

So. Why Adele? She's a poet, a talent and a queen among woman. You look at her and you don't doubt that she has been places and done things with her sad doe eyes and a voice with so much joy and agony trapped within it. She has dignity and presence and down to earth- the kind of person that you can see drinking coffee and wearing sweat pants instead of a posh celebrity like Paris Hilton or Lady Gaga. I err in m judgement a lot, but I don't think I'm wrong about Adele. There is something real about her. She's special... just listen to her.

Curiosities

Sometimes I wonder why I wonder so much. Is it because I am stupid or smart? Curiosity killed the cat, but perhaps it also taught him a valuable lesson or two before his tragic death. Maybe I don't wonder enough... well that would be inconvenient.

Never mind.

Problems with Chain Tag

Sometimes I am just like "Seriously. What is up with the world?" We are one messed up bunch of creatures. Human beings, that is. I think the ants are doing quite well as a race, actually. But us human beings. Goodness gosh. We have problems. Boy, do we have problems.

We hate each other. We kill each other, attack each other, hurt each other and try to bring each other down. In some ways people condone it saying its natural, animals do it and war is really part of the natural balance of power and influence in the world. Well screw it. I'm sick of it. I can't stand it. It's in us, in our blood and in our nature and it makes me sick.

We hate ourselves.  And maybe for good reasons in many cases. The heart forgives itself so slowly We hate what we've done, where we are at and where we always have been and probably always will be. I look in the mirror and I don't see much. Maybe reflections are really just that hallow. Life is a funny thing. It's never what you want it to be or what you would have wanted to be, and yet we all create lives for each other. We bring more of our race into the world, raise each other into maturity and by our social systems and hierarchy, we very much influence not only who each individual will be, but what their lives will be like.

Some people don't want anybody. They will pull themselves up by their bootstraps and they do not need anyone. Not true. Not true at all. Yes, you influence your own life. But so do countless other people. It's never just you. For better or for worse, we're all connected. It's like a silly game of chain tag where everyone is running in different directions while being forced to hold hands. Why do we focus on breaking the ties that bind instead of trying to work together? I don't get it. I don't get a lot of things though.

It's enough to make you want to give up on yourself and everybody else. But I can't get everyone to sit down on the ground, holding hands and singing campfire songs. So does that mean I have to keep running?

Ah, but in which direction?

Daffodils

I WANDER'D lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.
Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the Milky Way,
They stretch'd in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.
The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed -- and gazed -- but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:
For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.
 
- William Wordsworth
 
Out my window, I can see a charming little group of daffodils, tossing their heads in the breeze as though conversing amongst themselves. It reminded me of this poem, which is actually one of my favorites. Thought I'd share it with you today. After all, whats says June like daffodils?

Not Very Often

Sometimes I think of you

When old mental maps lead me back down roads paved by your hands

Or a subtle memory makes me think of the person you used to be

Sometimes I think of you

But not very often

Sometimes I dream of you

On long black nights when dreams play tricks on tired hearts

Making them believe that past is present, and that the present is the vision

Sometimes I dream of you

But not very often

Sometimes I miss you

Sometimes I wish you were here because you were the familiar

Back when a time when normal existed in routines that were well known

If not loved

Sometimes I miss you

But not very often

So Close, Yet So Far

Summer is so close.

The end of this school year is so close.

It will be the end of highschool for me.

There are a million things that will change, flex, grow, fade and maybe even shatter.

You know you're getting older when you start 'thinking' about things.

'Thinking' is hard on a lot of things. It tests and challanges what you think you know and believe and what you think you might want to know and believe and what you think you might someday know and believe.

Do forgive me if I fail to make sense, it happens with alarming regularity and I'm over it.

On the Wind

The wind is blowing firm and warm today. (My hair, however, is not taking this development in stride) Spring is famous for such. In between seasons are like teenagers- not knowing what they're going to be and a little confused about how to go about being whatever it is the decide to be on a given day. Today its not sunny, but its also not cold. The wind gusts indecisively. I cannot help but love, loathe and feel a sympathy for 'in-between-ness.'

Flowers will be blooming soon. I cannot wait. "Flowers seem intended for the solace of ordinary humanity - John Ruskin" I love this quote. Flowers seem just a cut above the rest of us.  So effortlessly perfect and beautiful. They are like children, shamelessly beautiful and perpetually happy. They just... live.

I'm ever so glad spring is starting to make her appearance. It's one step forward and two steps back here in the Midwest. The calender says April, but there's still a change you might be getting snow. It's May, but that doesn't mean you are supposed to expect anything warmer than thirties with a nice freezing cold wind on the side. Yet in spite of this, spring is coming. Some days the sun is bright and warm, and the wind is tamed to a cool breeze. She's coming shyly, gently and carefully, but definitely coming.

Robins? Check.

Warmer weather? Check(ish). We've discussed the freakishness of the Midwest.

Daffodils? No check, but I'm waiting expectantly.

Spring is definitely in the wind today. I cannot wait.

Gold Stars

Why do I always seek your approval? As if I needed your words to make or break my efforts.

I already doubt myself enough. Do I really need to add your doubts on top of all that? Need... is that what it all comes down to? That needy desire to hear that you think I'm not just a pathetic waste of space, time and energy?

As if I will really believe whatever it is you say.

It's not really your words I want. No. How often are they an accurate representation of what you're really thinking? Not like I want to hear that either... that might be too honest, you know.

I can't stand the lies, but it's the truth I'm really afriad of.

So. That places you in the delicate position of being unable to say anything I want to hear. The lie will frustrate me and the truth I won't believe because I am already convinced it is a lie.

So why do I bother asking? Why do I study your face like a textbook, hunting for clues as to the thoughts that you held back from your words, turning this into some stupid game of Truth or Dare with my self-confidence hanging in the balance?

This isn't kindergarten. There are no more gold star stickers.

I Beg of You, Please Follow Me

If you ever have to go away, take me with you.

     So I will never be alone
     So we will never be apart
    To keep us together
    To keep me from falling to pieces
    Because otherwise I will be afraid
    Because otherwise I might forget
    Who I am and
    Who you are and
    Who we are together

If I ever have to go, come with me.
 
    So I won't miss you
    So you won't be without me
    To keep me company
    To keep each other strong
    Because otherwise, I may fail
    Because otherwise, we may fail and
   Who would that leave me?
   Who would that make you?
   Who could we, would we ever be without the other?

Inside and Out

Sometimes pain is inside. Sometimes pain is out.

I watched you walk. Limping. Struggling. One foot at a time, hunched over, stiff all the way up to your hips. I felt guilty for striding so easily and solidly beside you. It looked like it hurt you to walk... a lot.

Sometimes pain is inside. Sometimes pain is out.

You looked at me with suspicious eyes. As if because I was different from you, I hated you. As if I thought I was better than you. You looked like you believed it. I wish I could have somehow convinced you that I didn't.

Sometimes pain is inside. Sometimes pain is out.

I hate to see you crying. I hate to see your frustration. It is hard to bare, watching anyone in pain, much less someone you care about. And yet, what concerns me more are the things that I do not see. The things that you hide. Often times those hurts that you can't see are the deeper ones. The ones that hurt the most.

Sometimes pain is inside. Sometimes pain is out.

A Blank Piece of Paper Is...

Chances.

Choices.

Opportunity.

Possibility.

Freedom.

Pressure.

Hope.

Inspiration.

Potential.

Unwritten.


What is a blank piece of paper to you?